How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
