Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
