Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
