Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
