My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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