and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
