i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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