I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
