I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
