Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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