You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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