She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
