I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
