sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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