i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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