i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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