I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.