2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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