we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You are the jesus of drinking
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
