My Higher Power is John Stamos
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
