so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
