dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
