The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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