Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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