you traded sex for a burrito?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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