The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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