I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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