At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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