I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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