Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
