I wish I could teleport
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
