Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you had me at cake vodka
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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