Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
