I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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