I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
