so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
