he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
