Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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