If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
