I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
