i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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