Can i not drive my cunt home
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
