No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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