this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
