i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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