He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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