Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
