it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
