I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
