Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
