i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
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You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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