6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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