dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
