how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
