Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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