I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
