wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
