Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
