Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
