i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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