i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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