im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
